60 Days

It's a bit anticlimactic. I suppose that's because this is not difficult currently. I much prefer this experience over feeling like it's a fight every day. My understanding is that 90 days is supposed to be a big deal. Some people say that you are in "early recovery" until 90 days, others say until you reach one year. Apparently if you get to 90 days, your chances of continuing are a lot higher. 

I don't consider myself "in recovery." I see this as me trying to intentionally make choices that add value to my life, avoid a serious problem developing in the future (trends are useful information!), and show my kids a different way of experiencing life. 

It's not that I don't have the counter apps and enjoy looking at how many days I have - I do! I'm always down for a reason to celebrate and treat myself - LOL. I just find it fascinating that I have so much peace and stillness. I don't feel rushed and panicked like I normally do. That could be because without alcohol I feel more peaceful and calm, and/or because our schedule is super mellow during COVID mandates. 

I often compare alcohol to dieting. I know that they were very related for me, and I know there is a lot more to discover about that realization. I used both as an attempt to feel comfortable in my body starting at a very young age. I've learned that early puberty is a risk factor for adolescent alcohol use and dieting. I used both as a form of control, to set self-imposed rules, to punish myself (for being "weak" or "lazy"), and to be socially acceptable.

Diets always started out easy, exciting and fun. As a teenager, I accepted the fact that I will have to be on diets my whole life, because there is something wrong with me and my body. Eventually the diet becomes brutal and torturous - all consuming, panic causing, just get through today. I know that is how a lot of people feel when they quit drinking and are in recovery. 

At 60 days of a diet (back in the day), if I was told that at 90 days something magical would happen (I'd be skinnier than ever before, I'd never be hungry again, etc.) - it would feel like there was a huge mountain ahead of me that I had to fight every second to climb. Currently, with alcohol, it doesn't feel like that. I'm proud that I've gone 60 days without alcohol, and I know that I will get to 90 days soon. It doesn't feel like a fight, or even something that I have to think much about. 

I haven't faced post pandemic temptations. My tune may change. The only time it's hard for me is when we are watching our island house buying shows. Yet, if I can get to a place where I haven't weighed myself in over three years, and can say there isn't a chance in hell that I would go on a diet (unless medically prescribed with good reason)...perhaps three years from now, I'll be saying the same thing about alcohol. I'm starting to see that both were a way for me to not fully accept myself as I am - and that's not cool.