What's in a Name?

 

My whole life I have said that I don't feel like a "T" (my name). I always felt like I should have been named Heather. I felt so much more like a Heather. My Mom said that she considered that name for a girl, but a distant cousin had chosen the name for her daughter.

My husband and I were camping with a group of people a few years ago. I told the group about these feelings about my name. They suggested I change my name. Of course I knew that I could but I also knew that I would never do that.

The longer I am sober, the more I identify with my chosen name. It not only fits sober me, it fits the me that I want to be. The me that I'm striving for. The me that I am searching for. The me that I am connecting with. 

I recently saw a clip of Mel Robbins on Instagram. She was talking about our purpose in life. She said that our purpose is to share our authentic, true, and unique self with the world. How can you do that if you are not sober? You can't. You are not your true self when your mind is altered. 

The deeper I get into sobriety, the more I identify with my name, and the more yoga that I do, I realize how uncomfortable I have been in my own skin as long as I can remember. The most comfortable I had ever been prior to recent sobriety was when I was pregnant and breast feeding. 

When you are uncomfortable it's hard to feel joy and peace. Of course, being uncomfortable is a part of life. That is one of the major obstacles to getting sober - learning how to be uncomfortable without using alcohol or drugs. However, a relentless discomfort in your own skin is exhausting and sad. I wasn't aware of that this was true for me until I noticed the discomfort is no longer there. I don't know when it left, but it feels recent. 

I can't imagine having been named anything else now. I've chosen not to share my name on this blog. That is part of my new found boundary setting. I've always given every part of myself away to everybody at my own expense. I'm not interested in doing that anymore. My sobriety is not a secret in my life now. Most everyone that I know is aware that I quit drinking. The reasons for why and how are continuing to reveal themselves to me. My name here doesn't matter. What matters is that writing helps me process and reflect, and hopefully my story and experiences will help someone else.