Cat's Out of the Bag

Up until yesterday, this blog was my little secret project. I didn't want to share it with anyone out of fear that my break from drinking might end up being temporary - like my breaks have always been. I also wanted to be confident that this blog will be an ongoing project. What really matters though is that I am doing both now, I don't like secrets, and I'm darn proud of both.

I shared the blog with my husband, who probably wondered why I have had my laptop out a lot more lately. He responded favorably of course. It wasn't a big deal, because he already knows I haven't been drinking. I also sent the link to my parents and Mother-in-Law. That IS a big deal. While I've talked about these things with my husband and friends countless times...never with the parents. 

I wanted this news and this blog to be a Christmas present for my parents, but the kid in me couldn't wait any longer for them to open their gift. My Mom is out of state currently, and hasn't had a chance to see it yet. I like to spread out the gift giving fun anyway! My Dad said that he was very impressed, that he loved it, and he thanked me. My Dad doesn't say that he loves anything (except his family members). For example, he used to go to the movies somewhat regularly. Every time I asked him how the movie was, he'd reply "It was OK." Perhaps his experience always being just "OK" is why he doesn't go anymore (pre-pandemic)! For him to say that he loves something is a big deal. Yay! My MIL had many great things to say about my news and the blog. My favorite was "Enjoy your freedom." Whoa - profound. I'll be stewing on that one a lot more. 

All day and evening yesterday, I felt great about sharing my news. What a relief! And then in bed last night I had the "Oh shit, what did I do?!" feeling. But, that's how major life-changes and identity changes go. Alcohol was part of my identity. You are either a drinker or a non-drinker. I know it will be a roller-coaster of emotions for a long time. If the last 45 days have been a realistic glimpse, most of the time I will feel great, proud, and confident in my decision. However, there will also be dips of uncertainty, sadness (memories & experiences), discomfort and grumpiness. I remind myself that all of those feelings are part of the human condition, and part of being alive. I want to be alive for a long time, and I don't want to waste any of that time on regrets/shame of the alcohol variety. I know that there will be days/nights/occasions that I really want to drink, and I will feel left out. However, I will never wake up in the morning regretting not drinking the day/night before. I saw a quote last night on instagram that said "If one is never enough, have none." And that is true - although I can, I never want just one or two - what's the point (laughs at myself)?!

Writing has always been my preferred way to process my thoughts and feelings. When I write, things are revealed to me or become more clear to me. I don't know that anybody will ever read this blog other than my family and friends, but it has become one of my favorite parts of my day (not that I will feel pressure, or is it realistic to write every day). In addition to writing being both a hobby, and a tremendous life coping skill for me, I think about being able to share this with my kids someday. I also think about being able to share this with someone who is starting to feel like alcohol isn't adding value to their life, but that thought feels too big. I really don't know if I would have done this, or if it would have felt doable if my friend hadn't done it first. A friend that I used to love drinking with. A friend who I saw take breaks, set rules and try again...until she had decided that her life would be better (eventually) without alcohol. Two years later, she knows that she was right and she has no regrets.

So, the cat's out of the bag and on we go!