Gratitude & Guilt

Listening to Quit Lit while I walk my dog is a part of my daily routine. It's something that I look forward to. When I listened to Clare Pooley (Sober Diaries) & Lotta Dann (Mrs. D is Going Without) tell their stories, I can very much relate to parts of their stories. I just finished Jowita Bydlowska's memoir, Drunk Mom. First of all, what a talented and poetic writer! Second, stories like hers make me feel both grateful and guilty. I cannot relate at all to her story. I can't even fathom it. 

I know that once I start I don't want to stop, but I can stop. I know that I can quickly fall into a habit/routine, but I also know that I can set/follow weekend only rules. I know that I am not depressed, and that my life/the world is positive and full of hope - not hopeless. I don't scare myself, nor do I feel like I can't trust myself. 

I also know that it takes a lot of time/thought/energy to set and enforce those rules. That the weekends can sometimes include Thursday and Sunday nights. I know that even though I can have only one or two, it makes me grumpy to only have one or two. 

I feel grateful and guilty that quitting isn't that hard for me. On my walk today, I was comparing not drinking when I want to drink, to having to clean the bathrooms or write a paper. I dreaded working on my graduate thesis. I'd force myself to sit down, fight through the first few paragraphs, and then get into a flow where it felt great. "I'm doing it! I'm good at this! This feels exciting! I'm proud of myself!" OK, I don't feel those things when I'm cleaning the bathroom. The thought of cleaning the bathroom is unpleasant, the experience is unpleasant, but I'm happy in the end. I love the quote I've seen floating around sober instagram accounts that says "I've never woken up and regretted not drinking the night before." - Unknown.

I know that the really hard times are ahead of me. My journey to not drinking can't be this smooth and easy. Unless...the past 17-years of breaks and unsuccessful attempts to quit, were the hard part of my journey. Date nights (that thought doesn't make me as sad anymore, with all the fun we've had sober at home), live music, girls nights, girls trips, the airport, plane rides, vacations...summer. I am prepared for those to be really hard for awhile. Although, I was sad about fall and football games, and it turned out that I'm still enjoying watching my college team sober. Who knew?!

Historically, not wanting to feel "left out" socially (and I guess romantically at home and on dates with my husband), has been an obstacle for me. I've never been one to drink alone - it never appealed to me. I'm also 38-years-old, and the concept of being "left-out" feels really juvenile to me. So does being worried about what people will think or say when I say "I don't drink." At nearly 40-years-old, do I really care what other people think or say? 

In a previous post, I wrote about how I decided that alcohol and facebook were not adding value to my life. I feel guilty that I can just say and do that, when that feels impossible to so many people. "Oh, these things are not working for me, so I'm just not going to do them." Then I listen to stories like Jowita's, and wonder if due to my genetics, would it be much more difficult 5, 10, or 20 years from now? Could my story more closely resemble Jowita's than Clare's and Lotta's? If I model drinking on a regular basis, would my kids (due to their genetics), have a harder time than I have had? I don't want to find out.