Thinking Back

This morning I was trying to recall all of the self-imposed breaks I have taken from alcohol in my life. I remember the first one was when I was 21 (the legal drinking age in the U.S.). I remember laying out by the pool at my friend's apartment, with a small group of friends. I was in a red bikini that I loved. It had a flower on the bottom right corner...it was from Delia's. I told my friends that I was going to go 30 days without alcohol. I don't remember feeling weird about telling them, or them seeming to think much of my announcement. Let's be honest, we were not 21 when we first started drinking together. They probably thought I was making a reasonable, grown-up decision. I don't remember if I actually made it 30 days without drinking that time. 

The second time I can remember, I was 22. I vowed to take the month of November off - just like I did when this current "break" of mine started. I think I was concerned about the amount that I was drinking, the decisions that I was making when I was out drinking (probably boy related), and I assumed that I would drop a ton of weight (I didn't have a lot to lose back then). I made it to around Thanksgiving. I only lost five pounds and I was VERY disappointed. I thought for sure I'd lose at least ten. I remember the night that I gave in and said that my break was over. I remember what I was wearing. Low cut Silver jeans with a button-up fly, brown belt, very tight burnt orange t-shirt displaying a Grizzly bear and a camp fire (it said something suggestive like "Cozy" or  "Snuggle Up"), and brown Dr. Martin shoes. I remember what bar we went to that night. I remember getting a lot of attention and feeling amazing at the beginning of the night. I don't remember the end of that night.  

After that, I quit lots of times to lose weight. I quit alcohol (and practically food) to get as skinny as possible before weddings (there have been two of those). Or, I would use a strict diet as a socially acceptable (less embarrassing) reason not to drink. There was a time at the end (or just after graduate school?), when I thought I was quitting for good. I didn't have a strong support network at the time, so that didn't stick. 

I can remember two other intentional alcohol breaks, and decades of diets that had to do with depriving myself of food, socially acceptable reasons to not drink, perfectionism and control. One of the reasons that has become clear to me, is that I used alcohol as a way to take a break from perfectionism and extreme productivity/achievement. I felt lazy if I wasn't studying, working, working out, or cleaning. On the nights that I designated as "cheat nights," I could sit, drink and relax. I now have no problem relaxing and taking a break without alcohol. That was already the case before November (quarantine really helped with this), but these last 34 days have really strengthened that truth. I don't miss alcohol, or even think about it when it's time to relax. 

I know that I will be met with a whole new set of challenges and temptations when Covid 19 restrictions are lifted. I won't worry about that now though. I've always liked the concept of "future tripping." For me, this means that I shouldn't worry and stress about future events, because it might not even be an issue for me by then.