Content

 

It was a stressful week at work and I didn't want to drink. It was the first full week of summer break and I didn't want to drink. We've had bbqs, hung out outside in the sun, and camped out in our backyard and I didn't want to drink. There was one night when I was full of emotion and negative energy. Watering my plants and pulling weeds did the trick. Alcohol would have made the feelings worse (if not that night, then the next day). 

My husband was invited on a last minute "guys weekend" at a lake house. I don't feel jealous. I don't feel panicked that I won't be there to make sure he doesn't drink either. His not drinking has to be his decision, just like my not drinking has to be mine. He loaded up his Kava Root and Sober Carpenter NA beers. I get to have a fun weekend with my kids doing special things that just the three of us enjoy. 

We are going on a beach getaway next weekend. I don't feel sad that I don't "get" to drink on the beach. I no longer feel anxious/sad/guilty that our big vacation with friends is around the corner, and I won't be drinking with my best friend. Hopefully she will be proud of me and have just as much fun with me. I'm no longer worried about not having as much fun sober. Alcohol has a way of tricking you into thinking life is good and things are fun when they are not. Fun is different now - fun is real. 

I'm finally going for a complete physical next week - an appointment that is long overdue. I had been putting it off before the pandemic and then COVID gave me an excuse to really prolong my procrastination. I'm more worried about that than anything. I so badly want a clean slate and "do over" to live the rest of my life being much more kind to myself - substance free. However, it's hard not to worry about the damage I've already done, and the realization that I'm nearing 40 and medical appointments will only become more eventful, not less. 

Life is full with family, work, chores, hobbies, activities and friends. My house isn't as clean, clutter free and organized as I would like it to be. I don't get as much sleep as I should. There is a lot that I wish we could do financially that we can't right now. Yet, I've never been better or more happy. Our marriage has never been better. Every feeling that I feel is real and not alcohol manufactured or intensified. I am content.