Boundaries - Who Knew?!

It's hard to measure which of the gifts from sobriety are the greatest. However, the awareness that I've spent my life as a People Pleaser without boundaries is without a doubt, one of the most important pieces to the puzzle. I've realized that ever since I was little, I loved being teacher's pet, getting the countless certificates, ribbons, buttons and awards for being good. I loved all praise and recognition. This continued until I no longer knew how I felt about what I was getting praise for, or the people praising me had no idea what the cost was for that act/product/accomplishment.

It is human nature to want to be liked and belong. That basic need evolved into an overwhelming need to not be viewed as lazy. That meant that for years I organized my days, weeks, months, years to be as productive as I could be. Even with alcohol. Alcohol was the only way I could take a break. The only time I would let myself sit and just be - not doing. 

At a young age, I also realized that I was a really good listener and helper. I knew people were drawn to me for that reason, and I liked helping. Between trying to be/do/accomplish all that I can while also trying to help as many people as I could, I lost myself. I've always known my core values, ethics and morals. I'm an advocate at my center. However, I really lost sight of who I was, what I truly wanted, how to take care of myself in the unique way that I need to be taken care of, and what I really want in my life. 

I've always cared so much about what people thought about me and what I was doing. I wanted people to get and understand me. I wanted people to support and agree with me. I wanted APPROVAL. I definitely drank to cope with that unrealistic need. I drank because I thought being who I was (a quiet, introverted woman who likes/needs her alone time) wasn't enough. I love my home, being a wife and mother, my dog, nature, giving back to my parents, reading, writing, working, going to all my kid's events, being kind to those I encounter on a daily basis, my neighborhood and local library. I hate networking, video calls outside of work, camping without real bathrooms, events that I don't care about with a lot of talking and people, and crafting. 

The beauty in my life now, is that I don't care what people think about what I love and what I strongly dislike. I don't care what people think of what I need to do to take care of myself (sleep, exercise, walk my dog, read, bubble baths, write, snuggle and laugh with my husband, snuggle and laugh with my kids, the occasional friend time).

When I resigned from a job that I loved because my husband had to travel so much for work, that really took a toll on my identity. I knew that it was going to. I wasn't naive to the fact that school and work were a large part of who I was and what I loved. I felt like as a "Stay At Home Mom," that I had to be crafty, love to cook, be on the PTO and volunteer in both kid's classes every week. I did not enjoy any of that. I loved/love being a Mom and I was/am a great Mom. You don't have to be crafty, love to cook or volunteer for everything at your kid's schools to be a great Mom. In fact, if you don't enjoy those things and you force yourself to do them and put that pressure on yourself, it takes up too much of your Mom energy. For those Moms who love all of those things - that is wonderful! Thank goodness for you! For those Moms who don't enjoy those things, you are no less than the Moms that do. 

I went back to work FT last February and I'm so glad that I did. I am happier and healthier as a Mom who works outside of the home. What do people think about that? I don't care! Do people think I'm selfish because I've identified how best to take care of myself so that I can be the best wife, mom, and daughter I can be? It doesn't matter! 

I'm very intentional about who and how I let take people take my energy and time. I only have the capacity for so many people at once, especially while I'm on the particular journey that I'm on. I'm happy to make time for people in ways that work for me and my life. In ways that are healthy for me. I'm happy to help people - I love helping people. But only if they are willing to help themselves, and do the work. 

I can't save everyone. I'm not willing to let toxic situations take up much of my time. Not everyone gets to have a seat at my table. That doesn't mean they never will, but I get to decide who and what is healthy for me during each season of MY life.