How I Made it One Year Without Alcohol

I didn't really think I could or would do it. That's why I worded it as break. An entire year? That's a pretty unrealistic goal...seemingly impossible. The people I had seen do it (personally, celebrities, sober influencers) all appeared to have certain things in place that made it doable for them. For years, I didn't think it was within my reach. 

My husband drinks more than me, all my friends drink, almost everything we do and every place we go involves alcohol. My husband won't want me anymore. We love IPA and wine culture. My friends will think I'm boring, etc, etc. 

Here's what helped:

1) Pandemic - I know that this has been a heart wrenching awful time for so many around the world. The loss of loved ones, jobs, homes and dreams. Isolation, an increase in mental health and substance abuse issues and more. I'm not minimizing the tragedy that people have had to endure. What is true for my family, is that it was the best thing that ever happened to us. The time to pause, reflect, communicate, heal and just be. I don't think I would have stopped drinking without our quarantine experience. 

2) Quit Lit: I walked and listened to audio books like my life depended on it. I could not get enough. Some of my favorites were Jessica Simpson's Open Book, Demi Moore's Inside Out, The Sober Diaries (Clare Pooley), A Happier Hour (Rebecca Weller), Mrs. D is Going Without (Lotta Dann), This Naked Mind (Annie Grace) and Quit Like a Woman (Holly Whitaker). I listened to these stories in awe of their courage and confidence. I listened thinking it would be good for me if I could do this too, but I'm not sure that I can. I kept listening. I kept going.  

3) Sharing the News: I had told my friends and husband several times over the years that I was taking a break from alcohol. I had never told my parents/mother-in-law. This blog was my way to do that. 

4) Teamwork: Four months into my "break," my husband decided to quit with me. There were many events that led up to that decision. I really didn't believe that fairy tale could actually come true for me. That would be the epitome of too good to be true. That was almost eight months ago.

5) Going Back to Work: From the age of eighteen to thirty-four, my identity was wrapped up in school and work. I love learning, challenge, productivity, using my brain/skills and teamwork. I quit a job that I was very proud of so that my kids could have consistency and structure, while my husband had to travel extensively for work. I lost myself. I love being a Mom more than anything, but I am a MUCH happier Mom when I work outside of the home. 

Here's what has happened:

1) Marriage: The kind my childhood dreams were made of. He is happy. He has learned to love his hobbies while sober. A truly extraordinary feat. We get in bed at the same time for the sweetest most ordinary routine. He watches Fraiser while I read my book. When he gets into bed to start our nightly ritual, he says "This is my favorite time of day." I know that his thoughts and feelings are real, and I smile. For our 12th wedding anniversary last month, he proposed again. He wanted to re-commit himself and honor how much work we have done since the beginning of COVID. He did this with our kids and friends, in front of the place we met thirteen years ago. The first time he proposed, we had been drinking. This time, we were sober - together.

2) Peace: In addition to the peace that comes with a healthy and happy marriage, a whole new level of peace comes from alcohol not being a part of my life. All of my emotions are real and true. Sure I get grumpy, impatient and stressed out. Those are normal human emotions and feelings. If I'm impatient with my kids or husband, I apologize. I communicate why. I know why. It might be because of P.M.S., or I haven't had time to read or write as much as I'd like, I didn't sleep well, I didn't have time or make time for exercise that day. Being present with your REAL thoughts, emotions, feelings and being able to communicate them is beautiful. 

3) Confidence: When you do something hard you build self-confidence. Not drinking for a year after doing so on a regular basis for decades = DIFFICULT. I had to learn how to celebrate, relax, unwind, have fun, travel, socialize and feel every emotion without a drink in my hand. We can do hard things, and we are better and stronger afterwards. When we arrive on the other side we can look back, reach out our hand, and help others across. 

4) Health: As a teenager I learned how much I loved and need exercise. As a young adult I learned how much I love nutritious food. That got overshadowed by diet culture, an unhealthy first marriage, and years of extreme stress and people-pleasing. I have never been so connected to my body or better able to listen and understand what I need. That could mean a long dog walk, yoga, strength training, a dance workout, an indulgent meal, salad, rest, sleep, meditation, prayer, a bubble bath, etc. I've learned how to eliminate stress as much as possible, manage stress in healthy ways, and set boundaries. Some of this is due to privilege and luxury, and where I am at in life. I do feel guilty about that at times because my healthy coping strategies are not available to everyone. However, I could not have sustained the level of stress and pressure I felt for two decades much longer. Letting go of people-pleasing, learning to say no, and forgiving myself and others are some of the greatest gifts of sobriety. 

5) Time: The other priceless gift. Life is no longer passing me by. I am 100% present and here for it all. Life has slowed down. I feel like I have more time with my kids. Every family movie night, every family meal, vacation, etc. lasts so much longer. My husband and I love the movie Step Brothers (not for family movie night). One of our favorite lines is "There's so much more room for activities!" This is so true when you are sober. There is so much more time for activities, sleep, projects and quality connection. 

Now What? 

I can't imagine ever drinking again. I love myself too much. I love life too much. I care too much about the health of my organs, especially as I'm nearing 40 and becoming increasingly aware of how doctor visits are changing ("How old was your Mom when she went through menopause?" Um...excuse me?). I have so much more to do, see, accomplish and experience. I want my life to take it's sweet time.