What do Sundays and Yoga have in Common?

I used to sit in church on Sundays feeling guilty and ashamed of the drinking we had done that weekend. I was very aware that if it weren't for my/our alcohol consumption and the choices made when drinking, I wouldn't have much to feel guilty about or confess. I'd vow to live a healthier week and make better choices, so that I didn't feel that way next Sunday. 

Once the service was wrapping up, my husband would suggest we go to lunch. Well, if we're out to lunch on a Sunday, it's fun and festive...there's more weekend ahead of us. We might as well have some drinks. On the way home, we should stop at the store to make sure we have groceries for the week. While we're there, we should probably get some wine for Sunday night HGTV. 

I started practicing Yoga when I was 22 and in graduate school. I decided to try yoga because I had my first panic attack while trying to write a paper late at night. It was  terrifying. I felt helpless and powerless.

I enjoyed Yoga. I loved the philosophy, and I desperately wanted what I knew Yoga provided to so many around the world. It did help in the moment. It helped me to gain perspective on productivity, self-care, attention and priorities - while on the mat. Sadly, I could never really be present enough with myself to allow the practice to fully take root. I didn't want to put my hands on my belly. Gross, I didn't like my belly. I didn't want to lay in Shavasana for too long. Don't they know I have articles to read? Papers to write? I didn't want to listen to my body because I didn't have the luxury of doing so. I had a thesis presentation to work on - it didn't matter what my mind and body needed. 

Produce, achieve, escape. I couldn't just sit with myself. I liked being alone, but I needed to be doing something - working, chores, exercising, TV or reading. I wasn't exciting, smart, fun or interesting enough. I needed alcohol or productivity for that. 

I can now go to church without feeling ashamed, and without waiting for the service to be over so we can go to lunch and have drinks. I've also treated myself to a home Yoga space that inspires me. I have the props that enrich my practice. 

I am grateful for all the free Yoga classes on YouTube. Yoga with Adrienne and Yoga with Kassandra bring me so much joy. I can and look forward to just holding poses, breathing, connecting and listening to/with my body and mind. I feel gratitude when I put my hands on my belly. I feel maternal as I pay attention to where my body is tight, stiff, and needs extra love. I feel delighted when I notice muscles getting stronger and more flexible. I'm proud of the specific parts that make up the whole. 

Both church and yoga were about searching, filling a void, and knowing that I need healthy and fulfilling ways to do that. Knowing that alcohol and food will never satisfy what my heart and soul needed. My Mom recently reminded me of something that she told me years ago. She really struggled for several years when I was little. Her baby sister was sick and eventually passed away when I was four. Of course seeking help and support (especially for mental health) was especially taboo back then. 

It's clear to me that my desire to be seen, good enough, and praise seeking stems from my early childhood. She said that I wasn't always well cared for. Not that I was hurt or not provided for. I always knew that I was loved and that I was safe. I now feel very maternal towards my little self. I want to take extra good care of her. 

Alcohol tricked me into thinking it turned me into a better, relaxed, happier and more fun version of me. Instead it really created a cycle where it made me not like myself, and then drink to feel better about that. It takes significant time and work to get on the other side of that cycle. To be able to see it and call it out. For most of us, who like instant gratification and results...that sucks. It also takes faith because intellectually you can know you have to be getting better in all kinds of ways, but it doesn't feel like that for A LONG time. That is why people on the other side have to share their stories. Life eventually gets sweeter and more peaceful than you can imagine when drinking.