Angry

 

I'm slowly but surely writing about the last year of my Dad's life in chronological order. I interrupt that plan momentarily just to say that I'm angry.

I had a long talk on the phone with my Mom last weekend. We were talking about how we both have no motivation to go to church. For her it's definitely grief. It's also the fact that waking up early and going anywhere in the morning is an almost insurmountable challenge for her. I also wonder if it's hard for her to go back because that is where we held his service. I haven't been back there since. 

I haven't had a desire to go to church since last April when it became obvious that he wasn't going to get better. While he was alive, I wasn't going to spend a second of time doing anything in addition to being with him and taking care of my family at home. 

Since he has passed, I think there are two reasons why I have no desire to go to church. 1) Anger 2) I want to spend my/our precious free time doing the things I long for (typically sleep and a slow relaxing morning). I don't want to spend what little free time we have doing what I feel like I should be doing but don't actually want to do.

I told my Mom that I am so angry that he had to suffer the way he did, when he carried out his sense of duty to his family and community his whole adult life. My parents suffer from depression, there were financial struggles, we did not have a sitcom life. Neither of my parents grew up in a healthy home where positive youth development was the focus. They just survived their childhoods - especially my Dad. My Dad got up every morning to make sure that he could provide for us, that we had all of our basic needs cared for, and to serve his community. He was the opposite of entitled. He valued hard work, earning respect and earning a paycheck. 

My Dad was an honest, proud, professional and humble man. Yet for the last year, he had to be mortified and excruciating pain on a daily basis. I told my Mom it almost would have been better if he had burned alive in a fire. At least it would have been faster. Instead, he had to experience burning alive every day for a year and we had to witness it. 

I would do anything for my Dad. Caring and advocating for him was an honor. I'm grateful that I live close to them, and that I was at a place in my life where I could be fully involved. I am beyond angry that he was made to suffer so long. I think that others would have let go a lot sooner than he did. He refused to let go because he was afraid that all the money that came in each month was dependent upon him being alive. He was trying to put as much money in savings as possible so that my Mom was taken care of financially. 

I choose to use my anger to focus on how I can honor my Dad, and remind myself that if he could endure what he did, I surely can get through anything. If I could survive watching him suffer for so long, while remaining completely helpless/powerless, I can do just about anything. So, what will I do? I will remain alcohol-free first and foremost. I will feel and process all of this. I will be the best mother and wife I can be. I will continue to set my own personal and professional goals. I will share my experiences so that others feel less alone.